For most of my 30s and well into my 40s, feeling needy was something I felt much of the time and rarely showed. I wouldn’t express that I longed for connection, that I craved affection, that I needed help.
Instead, I would batten down my belly, harden my jaw and make a plan, figure it out myself or anxiously flip through an ever-varying stack of books and magazines, while watching T.V.
I was embarrassed, ashamed even, to feel the vulnerability of my needs, no matter how simple they were. It felt weak. And if I paid attention to them, somehow they fed the story that something was wrong with me, and I was failing.
The irony of this? The more I denied my needs, the more needy I became. My tough, capable exterior had to work quite hard to not only hide my neediness, but my failure as well. It was like being split in two, and I would often come home after a long week and emotionally collapse. Lonely and sad and still needing what I needed.
Neediness versus needs
Neediness is usually the accumulation of all of the needs we never expressed or needs that weren’t attended to, if they were. Needs that then became emotional ~ wrapped up by rejection, loneliness, anger, powerlessness and lack of worth.
As this cycle continues, we hide our needs even more. We become more effort-fully independent, self-sufficient, together. This muscle-fueled dynamic can make it difficult to even recognize our needs. And when we do, it feels too risky to cross what has now become a chasm between feeling our need and then expressing it to others. It means, yes, we have to shed the armor, to stop pushing ourselves bravely onward while pushing others away. It means we have to show our softer, real selves, and say to another, I need you. I need help. I need support. I need a hug. I need a phone call. I need a good laugh. I need to hear your voice. I need sex. I need a kiss. I need your time. I need to sit next to you. I need rest. I need.
Needs in their pure, simple form, are natural. We all need help, affection, love, understanding. We need others’ intellect, strength, support and compassion. We need to rest. We need to play. We need to laugh. We need to cry.
Needs are part of being human. The challenge for us is to express them honestly and simply.
Embodying needs ~ a practice
Write down a need you have. One that you either haven’t expressed or one that hasn’t yet been met. Then write what you’re story is around expressing this need. Are you “just better off doing it alone?” Do they “never listen to you anyway?” Is everyone “too busy?” Is it “silly” or “stupid”? Are you “weak”?
Notice how this story complicates your ability to feel what you need and express it. Feel how you do this in your body, where you harden, where you shrink. Where you numb. Where you squeeze. Notice what you show others AND where you store the need.
For just a minute or 2 walk around committed to this way of being. Notice the effort in your body, which fights to both hide the need and the shame or embarrassment that comes with it. If you feel weak, walk around weakly. If you pretend you don’t care, walk around like that.
And remember what you need.
After a few minutes, you may start to feel some sort of change in your body. An emotion may well up. A sensation may begin to flow. A body movement may organically happen. You may wish to walk faster, wiggle your shoulders or sit down and cry.
Let this happen. Follow your need. Give it space, movement and breath.
Don’t rush it. Don’t push it down. Don’t minimize it. You’ve already tried that route. Just uncover it as you soften your muscles, feel your feet touch the earth and let your need be.
Expressing your need
There are no rights or wrongs in this practice. There is just the uncovering of a need, without the story or effort to hide it.
As you learn to connect more and more to your needs, the next step will be to express them. Clearly. Without the encumbrance of old emotion, shame or defiance. Simply. From the depths of where you hold them, through the ease of your muscles to the aliveness of your skin.
There is no guarantee that your needs will be met the way your mind has framed the outcome. But remember, what you’re learning is to be a soft, honest body, recognizing the strength of vulnerability and the simple expression of needs.
In doing this, you meet yourself in the sweetest way.