Yesterday, I fell down. Hard.
It had been pouring rain in Bali all night long, and despite choosing my steps carefully, I was not careful enough. Right foot shot out from under me, right bum harshly stopped by the lower step and my mid-back bounced off the upper one multiple times. I knew I had given myself whiplash.
The sharp, frightened yelp that came out of me brought my brother running over in about 2 seconds flat, quickly followed by his wife and my nephews. As I looked up at those 4 concerned faces, I felt the deepest urge to break down and sob, to let those violently shook up emotions that were roiling around inside of me come freely pouring out. But I couldn’t. Not right then. A quiet, but stern voice in my head and a pulsating grip in my ribs kept them in check, “Don’t make a big deal of this.” Not now.
No matter what the pain or shock is we are conditioned to under-emote, under-need, under-cry when it happens, and we fight to keep things in check.
- My heart was broken.
- I lost my job.
- I failed the audition.
- I betrayed my love.
- I fell sick.
- I fell.
We get up, brush ourselves off, straighten our hair, clamp down on our emotions and pull ourselves together. We’ll fall apart later.
But this moment. This moment when a wound is fresh, when our hearts have just been broken, our spines suddenly made fragile, our dreams momentarily crushed, is when our bodies will show us exactly what they need to heal, if we listen and allow it.
From fresh wound to chronic
More often than not, we don’t fully allow ourselves to feel the potency of those moments. The pain feels like it will swallow us whole. The fear overwhelms. The powerlessness and loss can feel close to death.
So we numb, hold back, and minimize what we feel. Sometimes we even twist it fiercely shut. And this is how fresh wounds become chronic pains and tendencies. Rather than feel the intensity of the moment, we lessen it, and then part of it stays with us. Duller but there nonetheless.
- Each heartbreak deepens our belief that love isn’t easy.
- A small sneeze may be enough to “suddenly” throw your back out.
- Not getting the job, the callback, the project funding, may weaken our will just a little bit more, so our dreams feel ever out of reach.
And then we have to work a bit harder to feel daily joy and aliveness.
Agreeing, no matter what
It’s no wonder we do our best to contain all that a fresh wound opens up, as it’s a moment SO FULL of power and energy, it can feel close to death. The fear and the pain we experience in those moments contain everything.
They remind us how very mortal we are. They connects us to all the wounds, hurts, heartbreaks we’ve felt in our past and shoot us to the future of possible limitations, lackings and recovery. This can happen in an instant.
So we are faced with a choice. Feel all that is happening, without denying any of it, to find our way toward healing and strength or cover it up a little bit, and still be dealing with it years later.
Our minds will think it’s too risky, but our bodies know exactly what to do. We simply have to breathe, allow and go on the journey.
Later that same morning, in a very different setting, I chose to move with the injury. I finally stopped containing the throbbing fear and emotions, and let them pour out of me. My body moved in wild and unpredictable ways. It shook with fear, and a raw sob emerged from the depths of my bowels. To another’s ears, I may have sounded like a wounded animal, because in that moment, I was.
As I moved this energy through me, it went to the place where my spine had bent back too far and the muscles had quickly jerked to hold me in safety. They showed me how to move anew. More slowly for now. More gently.
I let the sobs flow out of me until they calmed. I let my body shake until it softly swayed.
I cracked open the command, “don’t make a big deal of this,” and for just 15 minutes, I did. It was what my body needed to heal from this fall.
The energy of fresh wounds can heal old wounds
Fresh wounds, when tended to and met, are potent with healing energy. All of the body’s focus is there. As this energy moves through our bodies, it not only addresses the current hurt, but touches those places we stored the fear and hurts of our past. When we crack ourselves open, whatever needs to be touched will be touched.
- If we let ourselves feel the depths of a recent heartbreak, without restraint, it can heal our past heartbreaks.
- If we agree to the raw fear that we feel when we fall, cut ourselves or lose connection to a physical ability, this energy enlivens our entire body, not just the wound.
- If we let our hearts crack open when life falls short of our dreams, we can regain our strength and find renewed courage.
Our body doesn’t work with chronology or lists. It simply works to heal itself. A fresh wound is a door in.
So make a big deal, let yourself not handle it, fall apart for a short while, give in to exactly what is happening. And let your body move with it all. It will show you exactly what it needs to heal and continue on.