Yesterday, I gave my last few sessions in Bali for a while, before I head off to Europe. I met different lives, different histories, different struggles. One of the stories that came up brought tears to my eyes. A few of them, reminded me of struggles I used to have. And one left me wishing I could hold onto the person’s ankles to simply remind their body to trust again.
They all held incredible resilience and yearning.
Every body I touch, whether in crisis or not, holds this resilience. It is a natural ability of our bodies to learn, to bounce back, to flexibly adapt, and to stand up, despite the cuts and scars of heartbreak, loss, humiliation, neglect.
Sometimes, our history was intense, and it feels obvious that it needs to be touched, so we do intensive work. Sometimes, our history was more subtle, nothing too outstanding, but it was reductive and challenging, nonetheless, and it quietly took our freedom away. Both need care, because when they are touched, we touch our potential. The parts of ourselves that were left behind or went undiscovered.
Our history shows up in our lives today.
Over time, how we deal with life’s challenges gets perfected in our bodies, our movements, our thoughts, our choices. It can be so routine, that we label ourselves as this behavior, and this is the lens through which we live. This is how life can feel too intense or also mundane and repetitive.
I will never forget the moment over 25 years ago, when I first felt in my body the un-doing of behavior that I had always thought was a part of my personality. Suddenly, the frustrated, stressed-out woman was gone. A suit that had felt so rigid for so long, just melted away. And I had options again. Options that I could have never thought of while wearing this tight-fitting suit. It was not immediate, and I had to practice this awareness, un-doing and allowing again and again, before I could absorb these new options and make them an easy, natural part of my repertoire.
And this all happened through the body.
Awareness
So often, we are aware of our stuckness, self-defeating beliefs and overwhelming fears, and we try our best to approach it through our minds or to re-frame it. But we lack the connection to our bodies. We can talk about it, analyze it, explain it, understand it, but if I asked you, how does it feel in your body, do you know?
• When you feel distant from your lover, how does your skin feel? How do you hold your stomach? How do you embody loneliness?
• When you have a life decision to make, how do you breathe? How do you hold the “what if’s” in your forehead and your womb? How does your chest hold your future? Do you feel the stiffness in your legs?
• When you have to break another’s heart, do you harden to get through it? Do you numb yourself? Do you become practical and unfeeling, so you don’t have to see them hurt?
• When you have to tell someone you love, NO, knowing they won’t like it, do you become defensive? Do harden your jaw and tighten your throat? How long do you carry that situation in your body, even after it’s over?
• Do you argue in your head, when someone has hurt you? How does this feel in your neck and your low belly? How does the world look through your eyes? What’s your energy like?
When we pay attention to our bodies, on this level, we have a chance to let an old story reveal itself to us. We can see, not only how we get stuck in our minds, but how this happens in our bodies, and therefore, how we continue to replay history.
With our bodies, we can connect to an intelligent and adaptive resource.
Un-doing
Once we’ve learned how we hold these restrictive ways of being and how we revert to them whenever life feels challenging, we can begin to loosen the hold they have on us. The more intimate we become with these habits, the more we can use this awareness as a way out.
• You begin to connect your tight throat with a deep holding in your belly.
• You know the butterflies in your stomach accompany beliefs of old shame and are held in place by rigid ribs.
• You recognize that when you hold your neck stiffly, your eyes harden, thoughts fly with reckless abandon, and your entire body becomes weak.
You make connections. Connections that hold the story, with beliefs that you’ve underlined, an order that never changes, and an inevitable outcome.
Through your body you can let go of it. You can let go of your throat and soften your belly. You can breathe to your ribs and open your stomach. You can soften your eyes, let go in your neck and let the incessant thoughts drain out of you.
And you can allow new sensations to happen.
Allowing
This part of the process is key, and it is often the most challenging part. It is the reason we built these patterns in the first place. It is the old fears, shocks and uncertainties. The held back grief, hurts and disappointments. The incomprehensible terrors and abuses we either witnessed or experienced.
It is also the small slights, the moments of coldness, the memory of inattentiveness by those we loved or those who supposedly loved us.
Between the awareness and the allowing there is a critical choice. The choice to fully let go. It is easy to get stuck right there and try to understand or seek the exact memory or know “why” you keep repeating yourself. And this is exactly when our minds need to let go of control and our bodies need to take over and release these old experiences.
It can feel like you’re dying or you may cease to exist, because remember, we built these mechanisms to stay safe. To survive. To be loved. Keep going… your body knows what to do.
Today, when we let go, it is simply a flow of energy. Maybe it’s a shaking, trembling or sweating. Or a warm, subtle, flow down through the legs. It can feel like space opens up all around you. You may feel tender, raw, strong, whole, grounded.
Your body will give you exactly what you need, when you allow it.
Absorbing
The un-doing opens up the flow. And this flow may initially come out with incredible intensity. Sometimes it’s more subtle and demands deep awareness. But once it happens your body needs to rest and absorb this energy. To make it a part of you again.
Every time you actively choose to un-do an old pattern, allow and feel, your body remembers and learns.
You connect to options you lost long ago. You discover parts of yourself you had forgotten. You feel your potential.
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We are resilient creatures, and our resiliency is a full-bodied experience. I go to my body again and again, whenever I am seeking clarity, courage and hope. Whenever I know I am stuck in something old and long for flexibility and options. It has never failed to give me exactly what I needed.
And it is a remarkable thing to remember and touch your potential.